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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Balls
Ironing
Hair
Curly
Started
Ladies
Come
Flat
Flats
Recently
Ball
Straight
More quotes by Daniel Tosh
I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
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I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.
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I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
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You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
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Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
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It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
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Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
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I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.
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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
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It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!
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I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
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The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.
Daniel Tosh
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
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Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
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That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
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Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
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Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
Daniel Tosh
