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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Balls
Ironing
Hair
Curly
Started
Ladies
Come
Flat
Flats
Recently
Ball
Straight
More quotes by Daniel Tosh
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
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Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.
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I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'
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The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.
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There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
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No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
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If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
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Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
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Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
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God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
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Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
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My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
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I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.
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You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.
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