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Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Thing
Sexiest
Complaints
Complain
Complaining
Courses
Course
Girl
Body

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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
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I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.
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You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
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You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
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I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.
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Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think how can you make a joke about this?
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Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
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The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.
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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
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Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
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I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
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Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
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I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.
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Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
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