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If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Guns
Gun
Allowed
Carry
Rules
Aren
Security
Guards
Made
Obey

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The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
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Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
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No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
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I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
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You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
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Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
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I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
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I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
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I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.
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Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
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The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.
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You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
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I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
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If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
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