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If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Carry
Rules
Aren
Guards
Security
Obey
Made
Guns
Gun
Allowed
More quotes by Daniel Tosh
I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
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There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
Daniel Tosh
I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
Daniel Tosh
You ever hear girls say that? I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I like to reply with I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
Daniel Tosh
Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.
Daniel Tosh
It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!
Daniel Tosh
The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
Daniel Tosh
Sometimes my mind wanders other times it leaves completely.
Daniel Tosh
Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.
Daniel Tosh
I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?
Daniel Tosh
Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
Daniel Tosh
I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
Daniel Tosh
I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.
Daniel Tosh
I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.
Daniel Tosh
I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
Daniel Tosh
Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
Daniel Tosh
I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
Daniel Tosh
Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
Daniel Tosh
Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
Daniel Tosh
