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If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Aren
Security
Guards
Made
Obey
Guns
Gun
Allowed
Carry
Rules
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There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
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How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
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Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
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Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
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It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!
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At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.
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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
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I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
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Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
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I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
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I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
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Sometimes my mind wanders other times it leaves completely.
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
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I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
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Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.
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Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
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