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If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Allowed
Carry
Rules
Aren
Security
Guards
Made
Obey
Guns
Gun

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.
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I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
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Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
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I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.
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Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
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The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.
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I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.
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I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
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You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
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Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.
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Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think how can you make a joke about this?
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No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
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It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
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e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
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No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
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I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.
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Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.
Daniel Tosh
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
Daniel Tosh