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Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
America
Sucks
Real
Patriotism
Everywhere
Worse
Thousand
Realizing
Times
Else

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
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Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
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I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
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The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.
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Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.
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I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
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If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
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I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.
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No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
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The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
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No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
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You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
Daniel Tosh
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I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
Daniel Tosh
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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
Daniel Tosh
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Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.
Daniel Tosh
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I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
Daniel Tosh