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Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Everywhere
Worse
Thousand
Realizing
Times
Else
America
Sucks
Real
Patriotism

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.
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Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
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I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
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I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
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The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.
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God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
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I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
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Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
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Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.
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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
Daniel Tosh
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
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If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
Daniel Tosh
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Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
Daniel Tosh
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Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
Daniel Tosh
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At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.
Daniel Tosh
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It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
Daniel Tosh