Quote

You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Always
Bowl
Never
Bowls
Lactose
Milk
Almond
Enjoy
Almonds
Dream
Intolerant
Wanted
Cereal
Live
Toilet
Whole
Toilets

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Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
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I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
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My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
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I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
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You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
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Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
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I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'
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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
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No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
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Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.
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I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
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