Quote

You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Wanted
Cereal
Live
Toilet
Whole
Toilets
Always
Bowl
Never
Bowls
Lactose
Milk
Almond
Enjoy
Almonds
Dream
Intolerant

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If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
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I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
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If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
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Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
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I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
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Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
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Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
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Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
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You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
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Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
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I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
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Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.
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I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
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I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?
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Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
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My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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