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You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Wanted
Cereal
Live
Toilet
Whole
Toilets
Always
Bowl
Never
Bowls
Lactose
Milk
Almond
Enjoy
Almonds
Dream
Intolerant
More quotes by Daniel Tosh
Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
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Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
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Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
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I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
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I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.
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Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
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I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
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You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
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Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.
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I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
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No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
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If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
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You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
Daniel Tosh
Sometimes my mind wanders other times it leaves completely.
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Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
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Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
Daniel Tosh