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You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Always
Bowl
Never
Bowls
Lactose
Milk
Almond
Enjoy
Almonds
Dream
Intolerant
Wanted
Cereal
Live
Toilet
Whole
Toilets
More quotes by Daniel Tosh
I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
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I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
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I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
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Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
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I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
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It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
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I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
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Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.
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No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
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People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.
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It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
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Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
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You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.
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At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.
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You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
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A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.
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I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.
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