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How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Everybody
Offenders
Funny
Chicks
Come
Cheer
Flash
Pull
Jokes
Offender
Sex
Cheers
Humor
Registered

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
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I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
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I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
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I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.
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I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
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I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
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Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.
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Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
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You ever hear girls say that? I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I like to reply with I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
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That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
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Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
Daniel Tosh
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
Daniel Tosh
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Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
Daniel Tosh
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You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
Daniel Tosh
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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
Daniel Tosh
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I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
Daniel Tosh
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
Daniel Tosh