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I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
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More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
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I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
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If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
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Sometimes my mind wanders other times it leaves completely.
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No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
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Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!
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Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.
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If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
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No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
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I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.
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Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
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People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.
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It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
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It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
Daniel Tosh