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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
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Version
Ideas
Versions
People
Holding
Jokes
Meaner
Watches
Weirdo
Watch
Puppets
Beyond
Comprehension
Funny
Slightly
More quotes by Daniel Tosh
I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
Daniel Tosh
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
Daniel Tosh
I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
Daniel Tosh
Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.
Daniel Tosh
I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
Daniel Tosh
I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!
Daniel Tosh
Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
Daniel Tosh
Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
Daniel Tosh
Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
Daniel Tosh
No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
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If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
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Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
Daniel Tosh
I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.
Daniel Tosh
I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
Daniel Tosh
Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
Daniel Tosh
People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.
Daniel Tosh
Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
Daniel Tosh
My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
Daniel Tosh
I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
Daniel Tosh
