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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Idea
Version
Ideas
Versions
People
Holding
Jokes
Meaner
Watches
Weirdo
Watch
Puppets
Beyond
Comprehension
Funny
Slightly

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
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I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.
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Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
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I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
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I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.
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If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
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You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
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I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.
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It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
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Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
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The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
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Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.
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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
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No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
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How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
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Sometimes my mind wanders other times it leaves completely.
Daniel Tosh