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I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Every
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Time
Rich
Dozen
Life
Guy
Afford
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Release
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Beautiful
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Come
Walk
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Enough
Room
Dove
More quotes by Daniel Tosh
You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.
Daniel Tosh
There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
Daniel Tosh
e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
Daniel Tosh
I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
Daniel Tosh
God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
Daniel Tosh
Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
Daniel Tosh
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
Daniel Tosh
I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?
Daniel Tosh
If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
Daniel Tosh
You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
Daniel Tosh
I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
Daniel Tosh
If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
Daniel Tosh
If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
Daniel Tosh
I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
Daniel Tosh
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
Daniel Tosh
Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
Daniel Tosh
You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
Daniel Tosh
Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.
Daniel Tosh
If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
Daniel Tosh
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
Daniel Tosh