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Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
People
Funny
Decided
House
Watches
Money
Watch
Film
Behinds
Back
Behind
Going
Nobody
Dumping
Make
Instead
Jokes
Would
Fun
Independent

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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
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Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
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Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
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I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
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I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
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I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
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I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.
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Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.
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Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.
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e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
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You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
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The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
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