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Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
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Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.
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A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.
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Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
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I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
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I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
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Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
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I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.
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I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
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Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
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I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.
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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
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e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
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