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Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
House
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Back
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Nobody
Dumping
Make
Instead
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People
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Decided

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I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
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The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.
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I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.
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You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
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You ever hear girls say that? I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I like to reply with I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
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I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.
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No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
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I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
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Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
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e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
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God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
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Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
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Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.
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