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Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
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More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
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Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
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Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
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Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
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Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.
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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
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No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
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I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
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I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
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I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
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I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'
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Sometimes my mind wanders other times it leaves completely.
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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
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I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?
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I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.
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I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.
Daniel Tosh
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Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.
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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
Daniel Tosh