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It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Ultimate
Comedy
Stand
Hours
Hbo
Funny
Pinnacle
Way
Central
Good
Jokes
People
Hour

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.
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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
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Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
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If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
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I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.
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God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
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Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.
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That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
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I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
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I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
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No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
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I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
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Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
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My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
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I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
Daniel Tosh
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
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I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.
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I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
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Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
Daniel Tosh