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It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Good
Jokes
People
Hour
Ultimate
Comedy
Stand
Hours
Hbo
Funny
Pinnacle
Way
Central

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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Sometimes my mind wanders other times it leaves completely.
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I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
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I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.
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Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
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Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think how can you make a joke about this?
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The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.
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No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
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I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?
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Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
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I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
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I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
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Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
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Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.
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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
Daniel Tosh
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You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
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I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
Daniel Tosh