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It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Good
Jokes
People
Hour
Ultimate
Comedy
Stand
Hours
Hbo
Funny
Pinnacle
Way
Central

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My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
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I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
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I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
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Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
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Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
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I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
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Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
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You ever hear girls say that? I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I like to reply with I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
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People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.
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It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
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Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.
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I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
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Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
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e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
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