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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Woodstock
Jokes
Necessary
Funny
Didn
Reason

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
Daniel Tosh
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If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
Daniel Tosh
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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
Daniel Tosh
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I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!
Daniel Tosh
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I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
Daniel Tosh
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
Daniel Tosh
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Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
Daniel Tosh
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I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
Daniel Tosh
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I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?
Daniel Tosh
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I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.
Daniel Tosh
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It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
Daniel Tosh
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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
Daniel Tosh
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Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.
Daniel Tosh
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I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'
Daniel Tosh
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I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
Daniel Tosh
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
Daniel Tosh
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Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
Daniel Tosh
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My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
Daniel Tosh
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Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
Daniel Tosh
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You ever hear girls say that? I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I like to reply with I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
Daniel Tosh