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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Necessary
Funny
Didn
Reason
Woodstock
Jokes
More quotes by Daniel Tosh
People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.
Daniel Tosh
I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
Daniel Tosh
Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.
Daniel Tosh
I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
Daniel Tosh
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.
Daniel Tosh
I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
Daniel Tosh
You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
Daniel Tosh
Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.
Daniel Tosh
I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.
Daniel Tosh
Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
Daniel Tosh
You ever hear girls say that? I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I like to reply with I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
Daniel Tosh
You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
Daniel Tosh
I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
Daniel Tosh
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
Daniel Tosh
If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
Daniel Tosh
Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
Daniel Tosh
God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
Daniel Tosh
Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
Daniel Tosh
I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
Daniel Tosh
Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
Daniel Tosh
