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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Sock
Likes
Fisted
Puppets

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
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I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.
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I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
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I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
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Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
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I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
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I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.
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Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
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No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
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That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
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I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
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You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
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The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
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Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
Daniel Tosh
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I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
Daniel Tosh
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If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
Daniel Tosh
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I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
Daniel Tosh
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No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
Daniel Tosh