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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Fisted
Puppets
Sock
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More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
Daniel Tosh
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Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
Daniel Tosh
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I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.
Daniel Tosh
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I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.
Daniel Tosh
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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
Daniel Tosh
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Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.
Daniel Tosh
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Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.
Daniel Tosh
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I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
Daniel Tosh
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There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
Daniel Tosh
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I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
Daniel Tosh
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I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
Daniel Tosh
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
Daniel Tosh
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Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
Daniel Tosh
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Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
Daniel Tosh
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Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think how can you make a joke about this?
Daniel Tosh
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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
Daniel Tosh
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If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
Daniel Tosh
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Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
Daniel Tosh
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Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
Daniel Tosh
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Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
Daniel Tosh