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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Humor
Somebody
Causes
Funny
Capri
Really
Stab
Think
Jokes
Thinking
Sun
Cause

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
Daniel Tosh
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I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
Daniel Tosh
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It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
Daniel Tosh
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Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
Daniel Tosh
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The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
Daniel Tosh
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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
Daniel Tosh
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No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
Daniel Tosh
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I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.
Daniel Tosh
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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
Daniel Tosh
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
Daniel Tosh
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I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
Daniel Tosh
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e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
Daniel Tosh
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God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
Daniel Tosh
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I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
Daniel Tosh
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Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
Daniel Tosh
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
Daniel Tosh
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I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
Daniel Tosh
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Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
Daniel Tosh
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I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
Daniel Tosh