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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Think
Jokes
Thinking
Sun
Cause
Humor
Somebody
Causes
Funny
Capri
Really
Stab
More quotes by Daniel Tosh
I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
Daniel Tosh
Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
Daniel Tosh
Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
Daniel Tosh
It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
Daniel Tosh
Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.
Daniel Tosh
Sometimes my mind wanders other times it leaves completely.
Daniel Tosh
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
Daniel Tosh
Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
Daniel Tosh
If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
Daniel Tosh
Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
Daniel Tosh
I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
Daniel Tosh
I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
Daniel Tosh
I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
Daniel Tosh
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
Daniel Tosh
I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
Daniel Tosh
I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
Daniel Tosh
I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
Daniel Tosh
Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
Daniel Tosh
e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
Daniel Tosh
Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
Daniel Tosh
