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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Somebody
Causes
Funny
Capri
Really
Stab
Think
Jokes
Thinking
Sun
Cause
Humor

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
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Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think how can you make a joke about this?
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No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
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You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.
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That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
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God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
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Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
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You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
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I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
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Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
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I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.
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Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
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I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
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I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
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Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
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You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
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Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
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There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
Daniel Tosh