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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Cause
Humor
Somebody
Causes
Funny
Capri
Really
Stab
Think
Jokes
Thinking
Sun

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.
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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
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Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
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I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.
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I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
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You ever hear girls say that? I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I like to reply with I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.
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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
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You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
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I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
Daniel Tosh
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The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.
Daniel Tosh
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The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
Daniel Tosh
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
Daniel Tosh
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If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
Daniel Tosh
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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
Daniel Tosh
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Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.
Daniel Tosh
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I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
Daniel Tosh
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
Daniel Tosh
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No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
Daniel Tosh