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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Cause
Humor
Somebody
Causes
Funny
Capri
Really
Stab
Think
Jokes
Thinking
Sun

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
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The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.
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I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
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Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
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I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?
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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
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I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
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I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.
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Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
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It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
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If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
Daniel Tosh
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I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!
Daniel Tosh
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I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
Daniel Tosh
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Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
Daniel Tosh
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Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
Daniel Tosh
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The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.
Daniel Tosh