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I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Smoking
Fell
Looked
Grace
Swimmer
Place
Graces
Firsts
Embarrassing
First
Marijuana
Country
Michael

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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
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I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
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No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
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My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
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Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
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No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
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I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
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I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
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It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
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People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.
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I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
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I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
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The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.
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I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
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