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I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Country
Michael
Smoking
Fell
Looked
Grace
Swimmer
Place
Graces
Firsts
Embarrassing
First
Marijuana

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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
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Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.
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Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.
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I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
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I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
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My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
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Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
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Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.
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Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
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I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.
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I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
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I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.
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You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
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Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
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The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.
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Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
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