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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Way
Think
Thinking
Like
Tattoo
Dumb
Gonna
Words
Years

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
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I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.
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It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
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The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
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Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
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That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
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A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.
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You ever hear girls say that? I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I like to reply with I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
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There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
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Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think how can you make a joke about this?
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I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
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Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.
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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
Daniel Tosh
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Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
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I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
Daniel Tosh
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You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
Daniel Tosh
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No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
Daniel Tosh