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Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Right
Thank
Parents
Humor
Comedy
Parent
Clapping
Show
Ruining
Funny
Francisco
Shows
Ashamed

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
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I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
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I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
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I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!
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You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
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I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.
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I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
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Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
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You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.
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I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
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Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
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Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.
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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
Daniel Tosh
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I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
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