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Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Comedy
Parent
Clapping
Show
Ruining
Funny
Francisco
Shows
Ashamed
Right
Thank
Parents
Humor

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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
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I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
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I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
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You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
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That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
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I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?
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e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
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You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.
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Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.
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Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
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You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
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I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
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It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
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Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.
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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
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I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
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The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
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