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Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Right
Thank
Parents
Humor
Comedy
Parent
Clapping
Show
Ruining
Funny
Francisco
Shows
Ashamed

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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think how can you make a joke about this?
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I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.
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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
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You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
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It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.
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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
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I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.
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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
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Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
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I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.
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Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
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You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.
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I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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