Quote

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

Daniel Tosh

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Comedy
Dishwasher
Funny
Dishwashers
Babies
Jokes
Aren
Safe
Baby
Humor

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

Image
I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?
Daniel Tosh
Image
I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.
Daniel Tosh
Image
Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
Daniel Tosh
Image
I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
Daniel Tosh
Image
I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
Daniel Tosh
Image
I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
Daniel Tosh
Image
Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
Daniel Tosh
Image
I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
Daniel Tosh
Image
Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
Daniel Tosh
Image
People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.
Daniel Tosh
Image
Sometimes my mind wanders other times it leaves completely.
Daniel Tosh
Image
I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
Daniel Tosh
Image
Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
Daniel Tosh
Image
It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
Daniel Tosh
Image
I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
Daniel Tosh
Image
I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.
Daniel Tosh
Image
I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
Daniel Tosh
Image
If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
Daniel Tosh
Image
I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!
Daniel Tosh
Image
Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
Daniel Tosh