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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Jokes
Aren
Safe
Baby
Humor
Comedy
Dishwasher
Funny
Dishwashers
Babies

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Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
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You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
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Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
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If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
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Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
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Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
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Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.
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You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
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Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
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You ever hear girls say that? I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I like to reply with I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
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I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
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Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
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Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
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You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
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Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think how can you make a joke about this?
Daniel Tosh