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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Humor
Comedy
Dishwasher
Funny
Dishwashers
Babies
Jokes
Aren
Safe
Baby
More quotes by Daniel Tosh
You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
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It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
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I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.
Daniel Tosh
I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
Daniel Tosh
If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
Daniel Tosh
Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
Daniel Tosh
I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.
Daniel Tosh
Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.
Daniel Tosh
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
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I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
Daniel Tosh
Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
Daniel Tosh
I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
Daniel Tosh
I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.
Daniel Tosh
I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
Daniel Tosh
Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.
Daniel Tosh
I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
Daniel Tosh
You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.
Daniel Tosh
The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.
Daniel Tosh
