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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Safe
Baby
Humor
Comedy
Dishwasher
Funny
Dishwashers
Babies
Jokes
Aren
More quotes by Daniel Tosh
If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
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God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
Daniel Tosh
No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
Daniel Tosh
Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
Daniel Tosh
You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
Daniel Tosh
I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.
Daniel Tosh
At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.
Daniel Tosh
I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
Daniel Tosh
Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
Daniel Tosh
It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
Daniel Tosh
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
Daniel Tosh
You ever hear girls say that? I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I like to reply with I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
Daniel Tosh
Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
Daniel Tosh
You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
Daniel Tosh
I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
Daniel Tosh
You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
Daniel Tosh
Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.
Daniel Tosh
Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.
Daniel Tosh
If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
Daniel Tosh
