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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Jokes
Aren
Safe
Baby
Humor
Comedy
Dishwasher
Funny
Dishwashers
Babies

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
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Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
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God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
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I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
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You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
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Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
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There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
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You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
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I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.
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I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.
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Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.
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Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
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My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
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Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think how can you make a joke about this?
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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
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It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
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It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
Daniel Tosh