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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Baby
Humor
Comedy
Dishwasher
Funny
Dishwashers
Babies
Jokes
Aren
Safe

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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
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Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.
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I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
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I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
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I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.
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I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
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It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
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I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
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Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
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Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
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I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!
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Sometimes my mind wanders other times it leaves completely.
Daniel Tosh
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Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.
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e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
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Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
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I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
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I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
Daniel Tosh