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Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Husband
Groups
Understand
Fall
Two
Women
Men
Bachelors
Husbands

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
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Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
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My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
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I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
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No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
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I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
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It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
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The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!
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Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.
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Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
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If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
Daniel Tosh
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e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
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Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
Daniel Tosh
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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
Daniel Tosh
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Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.
Daniel Tosh
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Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
Daniel Tosh