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Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Men
Bachelors
Husbands
Husband
Groups
Understand
Fall
Two
Women
More quotes by Daniel Tosh
Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.
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I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
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If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
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I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
Daniel Tosh
If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
Daniel Tosh
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
Daniel Tosh
You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
Daniel Tosh
If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
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Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
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There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
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I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
Daniel Tosh
Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
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Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
Daniel Tosh
I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
Daniel Tosh
Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.
Daniel Tosh
If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
Daniel Tosh
I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!
Daniel Tosh
My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
Daniel Tosh
