Quote

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

Daniel Tosh

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Therefore
Nobody
Perfect
Funny
Clever
Jokes

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

Image
You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
Daniel Tosh
Image
I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
Daniel Tosh
Image
You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
Daniel Tosh
Image
Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
Daniel Tosh
Image
At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.
Daniel Tosh
Image
No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
Daniel Tosh
Image
Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.
Daniel Tosh
Image
Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.
Daniel Tosh
Image
I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
Daniel Tosh
Image
Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think how can you make a joke about this?
Daniel Tosh
Image
I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
Daniel Tosh
Image
Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
Daniel Tosh
Image
I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
Daniel Tosh
Image
Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
Daniel Tosh
Image
Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
Daniel Tosh
Image
I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
Daniel Tosh
Image
Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.
Daniel Tosh
Image
The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
Daniel Tosh
Image
If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
Daniel Tosh
Image
I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
Daniel Tosh