Quote

I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Least
Face
Faces
Staple
Happy
Staples
Look
Stretch
Looks
Develop
Like
Personality
Cutting

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
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I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
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I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
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That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
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I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
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The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
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I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.
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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
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If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
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Sometimes my mind wanders other times it leaves completely.
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Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.
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Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
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Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
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