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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Cutting
Least
Face
Faces
Staple
Happy
Staples
Look
Stretch
Looks
Develop
Like
Personality

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
Daniel Tosh
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Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
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It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
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You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
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I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.
Daniel Tosh
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Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
Daniel Tosh
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Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think how can you make a joke about this?
Daniel Tosh
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If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
Daniel Tosh
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I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
Daniel Tosh
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Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.
Daniel Tosh
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Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
Daniel Tosh
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I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
Daniel Tosh
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People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.
Daniel Tosh
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
Daniel Tosh
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The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
Daniel Tosh
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
Daniel Tosh
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If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
Daniel Tosh