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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Cutting
Least
Face
Faces
Staple
Happy
Staples
Look
Stretch
Looks
Develop
Like
Personality

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If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
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Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think how can you make a joke about this?
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I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
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I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
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No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
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Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
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A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.
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e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
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I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
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I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!
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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
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Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.
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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.
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How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
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I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
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I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.
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I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.
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I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.
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Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
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