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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Cutting
Least
Face
Faces
Staple
Happy
Staples
Look
Stretch
Looks
Develop
Like
Personality
More quotes by Daniel Tosh
Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
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There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
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Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
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You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
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I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.
Daniel Tosh
It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
Daniel Tosh
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.
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I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!
Daniel Tosh
I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
Daniel Tosh
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
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I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
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Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
Daniel Tosh
That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
Daniel Tosh
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
Daniel Tosh
Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
Daniel Tosh
e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
Daniel Tosh
Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
Daniel Tosh
