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I think if I were walking someplace and I saw a corpse my brain would tell me it was a million things before I believed it was a corpse.

Daniel Handler

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Daniel Handler
Age: 54
Born: 1970
Born: February 28
Accordionist
Author
Musician
Novelist
Screenwriter
Songwriter
Writer
San Francisco County
California
Lemony Snicket
Tell
Someplace
Things
Corpses
Would
Believed
Think
Million
Thinking
Saws
Walking
Millions
Brain
Corpse

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Anyone who gives you a cinnamon roll fresh out of the oven is a friend for life.
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They didn't understand it, but like so many unfortunate events in life, just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it isn't so.
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I stand entwined in fire on the inextinguishable bonfire of inconceivable love.
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I like writing for movies. It's nice to be alone working on fiction in your room, and then it's nice to be in a room with a bunch of people working on a movie.
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Tell me what it is, or prepare to eat harpoon.
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I hadn't even been looking, not for you, and now you were my heart's desire.
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It is very frustrating not to be understood in this world. If you say one thing and keep being told that you mean something else, it can make you want to scream. But somewhere in the world there is a place for all of us, whether you are an electric form of decoration, peppermint-scented sweet, a source of timber, or a potato pancake.
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Stretched out in front of me was my time as an adult, and then a skeleton, and then nothing except perhaps a few books on a few shelves.
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This is an absurd moral, for you and I both know that sometimes not only is it good to lie, it is necessary to lie.
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...in life it is often the tiny details that end up being the most important.
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For Beatrice, when we met, my life began. Soon afterwards, yours ended.
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You’re just jealous of me because I’m a tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian!
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This is love, and the trouble with it: it can make you embarrassed. Love is really liking someone a whole lot and not wanting to screw that up. Everybody's chewed over this. This unites us, this part of love.
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That night it felt that somehow by flicking them off the roof, the matches would burn down everything, the sparks from the tips of the flames, torching the world and all the heartbroken people in it.
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Having a personal philosophy is like having a pet marmoset, because it may be very attractive when you acquire it, but there may be situations when it will not come in handy at all.
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I'm sure you have heard it said that appearance does not matter so much, and that it is what's on the inside that counts. This is, of course, utter nonsense, because if it were true then people who were good on this inside would would never have to comb their hair or take a bath, and the whole world would smell even worse than it already does.
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There is nothing particularly wrong with salmon, of course, but like caramel candy, strawberry yogurt, or liquid carpet cleaner, if you eat too much of it you are not going to enjoy your meal.
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Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail, so rarely arrives, and even when it does it can be lost so easily.
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This is love if it's not with you, a terrible fiery something that makes people look away, and it feels like a punch in the throat.
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Every night I give a violin recital for six hours, and attendance is mandatory. The word 'mandatory' means that if you don't show up, you have to buy me a large bag of candy and watch me eat it.
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