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Never, under any circumstances, let the Virginian wolfsnake near a typewriter.
Daniel Handler
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Daniel Handler
Age: 54
Born: 1970
Born: February 28
Accordionist
Author
Musician
Novelist
Screenwriter
Songwriter
Writer
San Francisco County
California
Lemony Snicket
Virginians
Typewriter
Typewriters
Near
Circumstances
Never
More quotes by Daniel Handler
Lately it has become more and more difficult to attend dinner parties without the evening ending in gunfire or tapioca.
Daniel Handler
I’m reminded of a book my father used to read me,” she said. “A bunch of elves and things get into a huge war over a piece of jewelry that everybody wants but nobody can wear.
Daniel Handler
Of course I'm trying to trick you! That's the way of the world, Baudelaires. Everyone runs around with their secrets and their schemes, trying to outwit everyone else.
Daniel Handler
I’m not a cuckoo, either. I’m a fool is what.
Daniel Handler
Keep anyone with whom you can read in silence.
Daniel Handler
People worry more about girls, for a good reason: I don't think my parents thought I was going to be raped by a classmate or attacked when I was walking alone in some neighborhood. So it's not just paranoid parents.
Daniel Handler
Wishing, like sipping a glass of punch, or pulling aside a bearskin rug in order to access a hidden trapdoor in the floor, is merely a quiet way to spend one's time before the candles are extinguished on one's birthday cake.
Daniel Handler
If only Uncle Monty knew what we know, Violet said, and Stephano knew that he knew what we know. But Uncle Monty doesn't know what we know, and Stephano knows that he doesn't know what we know. I know, Klause said. I know you know, Violet said
Daniel Handler
Can't we sleep ten minutes more? I was having a lovely dream about sneezing without covering my mouth, and giving everybody germs.
Daniel Handler
Count Olaf sounds like an awful person. I hope he is torn apart by wild animals someday. Wouldn't that be satisfying?
Daniel Handler
It is easy to decide on what is wrong to wear to a party, such as deep-sea diving equipment or a pair of large pillows, but deciding what is right is much trickier.
Daniel Handler
Or why you are wearing a picture of Santa Clause on you shirts, but-” “It’s Herman Melville.
Daniel Handler
Arguing with somebody is never pleasant, but sometimes it is useful and necessary to do so.
Daniel Handler
The whole thing of what I’ve been trying,” you said, “is that you’re different, and you keep asking about the other girls, but what I mean is that I don’t think about them, because of the way you are.
Daniel Handler
There are many things in life that become different if you take a long look at them.
Daniel Handler
-Most people would say that she's beautiful. -That's because she's been with most people.
Daniel Handler
Opera was an enormous part of my childhood. My parents were both opera buffs, and they met in the box seat of an opera performance. And I also was a boy soprano, so before puberty hit, I was onstage playing a wide variety of orphans and urchins in all sorts of operas, and the sheer melodrama of their stories was just always appealing to me.
Daniel Handler
If you have ever had a miserable experience, then you have probably had it said to you that you would feel better in the morning. This, of course, is utter nonsense, because a miserable experience remains a miserable experience even on the loveliest of morning.
Daniel Handler
It is almost as if happiness is an acquired taste, like coconut cordial or ceviche, to which you can eventually become accustomed, but despair is something surprising each time you encounter it.
Daniel Handler
The trick to following someone without getting caught is to follow somebody who doesn't think they're being followed.
Daniel Handler