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You’re just jealous of me because I’m a tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian!

Daniel Handler

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Daniel Handler
Age: 54
Born: 1970
Born: February 28
Accordionist
Author
Musician
Novelist
Screenwriter
Songwriter
Writer
San Francisco County
California
Lemony Snicket
Fairy
Dancing
Veterinarian
Ballerina
Princess
Jealous

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Members of your family might say they are working hard all day long, while you are off at school or clarinet lessons, but the only way to know this for sure is to follow them at a discreet distance.
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One wanders through life as if wandering through a field in the dark of night, wearing a blindfold and very heavy shoes, with a poisonous toad waiting patiently beneath a clump of weeds, knowing full well that eventually you will step on him.
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Deciding whether or not to trust a person is like deciding whether or not to climb a tree, because you might get a wonderful view from the highest branch, or you might simply get covered in sap, and for this reason many people choose to spend their time alone and indoors, where it is harder to get a splinter.
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Life isn't fair, he said, in his undisguised voice, and for once the Baudelaire orphans agreed with every word the man said.
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Sometime during your life—in fact, very soon—you may find yourself reading a book, and you may notice that a book’s first sentence can often tell you what sort of story your book contains.
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All the secrets of the world are contained in books. Read at your own risk.
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We are a nation of children letting horrible things happen, and flunking Calc.
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It is terribly rude to tell people that their troubles are boring.
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All his life, Klaus had believed that if you read enough books, you could solve any problem, but now he wasn't so sure.
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I had this idea about terrible things happening to orphans, and I knew it was such a horrible idea that the idea of writing it down and then submitting it professionally was obviously absurd.
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Anyone who thinks the pen is mightier than the sword has not been stabbed with both.
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Count Olaf sounds like an awful person. I hope he is torn apart by wild animals someday. Wouldn't that be satisfying?
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Blank paper has always inspired me.
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If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats.
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There are few sights sadder than a ruined book.
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When you start reading nonfiction books about piracy, you realize that it's actually just a history of desperate people.
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This is love if it's not with you, a terrible fiery something that makes people look away, and it feels like a punch in the throat.
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We are all told to ignore bullies. It's something they teach you, and they can teach you anything. It doesn't mean you learn it. It doesn't mean you believe it. One should never ignore bullies. One should stop them.
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There is no way of knowing for sure whether or not you can trust someone, for the simple reason that circumstances change all of the time.
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I wrote Rick before I was published, and I had no vision of it, really. It was just a story that occurred to me, and that put its little claws in my brain, and I wrote it, and I showed it to a couple people, and they all said, This is ghastly.
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