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Dead women tell no tales. Sad men write them down.

Daniel Handler

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Daniel Handler
Age: 54
Born: 1970
Born: February 28
Accordionist
Author
Musician
Novelist
Screenwriter
Songwriter
Writer
San Francisco County
California
Lemony Snicket
Write
Tell
Women
Writing
Men
Tales
Dead

More quotes by Daniel Handler

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Instead of the word 'love' there was an enormous heart, a symbol sometimes used by people who have trouble figuring out the difference between words and shapes.
Daniel Handler
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The trick to following someone without getting caught is to follow somebody who doesn't think they're being followed.
Daniel Handler
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It is always cruel to laugh at people, of course, although sometimes if they are wearing an ugly hat it is hard to control yourself.
Daniel Handler
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Miracles can happen, even to those who are small, flammable, and dressed all in black.
Daniel Handler
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Life isn't fair, he said, in his undisguised voice, and for once the Baudelaire orphans agreed with every word the man said.
Daniel Handler
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All cannot be lost when there is still so much being found
Daniel Handler
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Taking one’s chances is like taking a bath, because sometimes you end up feeling comfortable and warm, and sometimes there is something terrible lurking around that you cannot see until it is too late and you can do nothing else but scream and cling to a plastic duck.
Daniel Handler
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It is very frustrating not to be understood in this world. If you say one thing and keep being told that you mean something else, it can make you want to scream. But somewhere in the world there is a place for all of us, whether you are an electric form of decoration, peppermint-scented sweet, a source of timber, or a potato pancake.
Daniel Handler
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Goodness! Golly! Good God! Blessed Allah! Zeus and Hera! Mary and Joseph! Nathaniel Hawthorne! Don't touch her! Grab her! Move closer! Run away! Don't move! Kill the snake! Leave it alone! Give it some food! Don't let it bite her! Lure the snake away! Here, snakey! Here, snakey snakey!
Daniel Handler
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There is a pair of snakes who have learned to drive a car so recklessly that they would run you over in the street and never stop to apologize.
Daniel Handler
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When you need a haircut, it looks like you have no one to take care of you.
Daniel Handler
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The sad truth is the truth is sad.
Daniel Handler
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There was still plenty of water in the basement, and I felt it soaking me from the knees on down. If someone wanted to torture me until I told them a critical piece of information, all they would have to do is get my socks wet. It feels terrible.
Daniel Handler
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There is no easy way to train an apprentice. My two tools are example and nagging.
Daniel Handler
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This is an absurd moral, for you and I both know that sometimes not only is it good to lie, it is necessary to lie.
Daniel Handler
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Sometimes words are not enough.
Daniel Handler
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They were almond cookies, although they could have been made of spinach and shoes for all I cared. I ate eleven of them, right in a row. It is rude to take the last cookie.
Daniel Handler
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Having an aura of menace is like having a pet weasel, because you rarely meet someone who has one, and when you do, it makes you want to hide under the coffee table.
Daniel Handler
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Well-read people are less likely to be evil.
Daniel Handler
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A long time ago, there was no such thing as school, and children spent their days learning a trade, a phrase which here means standing around doing tedious tasks under the instruction of a bossy adult. In time, however, people realized that the children could be allowed to sit, and the first school was invented.
Daniel Handler