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Get out of my way, you cakesniffers!” said a rude, violent, and filthy little girl, shoving the Baudelaire orphans aside as she dashed by.

Daniel Handler

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Daniel Handler
Age: 54
Born: 1970
Born: February 28
Accordionist
Author
Musician
Novelist
Screenwriter
Songwriter
Writer
San Francisco County
California
Lemony Snicket
Littles
Baudelaire
Little
Orphans
Way
Orphan
Filthy
Rude
Aside
Violent
Shoving
Girl
Dashed

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-Most people would say that she's beautiful. -That's because she's been with most people.
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Miracles are like meatballs, because nobody can exactly agree on what they are made of, where they come from, or how often they should appear.
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Santa Claus has nothing to do with it, the latke said. Christmas and Hanukah are completely different things. But different things can often blend together, said the pine tree. Let me tell you a funny story about pagan rituals.
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A long time ago, there was no such thing as school, and children spent their days learning a trade, a phrase which here means standing around doing tedious tasks under the instruction of a bossy adult. In time, however, people realized that the children could be allowed to sit, and the first school was invented.
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You might be afraid of the dark, but the dark is not afraid of you. That’s why the dark is always close by.
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This is like a cookie, it tastes like a cookie having sex with a doughnut.
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When you say, History is written by the winners, you like to think about someone who isn't you. You want to think, Oh, that's the juggernaut I'm standing against. But you're probably part of it.
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E! Klaus cried. E as in Exit! The Baudelaires ran down E as in Exit, but when they reached the last cabinet, the row was becoming F as in Falling File Cabinets, G as in Go the Other Way! and H as in How in the World Are We Going to Escape?
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A girl meets a boy, Ed, and everything changes, or so she says.
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Never mind what my name is,” the man said. “No one can pronounce it anyway. Just call me Sir.
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Everybody has a theory.
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You would run much slower if you were dragging something behind you, like a knapsack or a sheriff.
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I'm sure you have heard it said that appearance does not matter so much, and that it is what's on the inside that counts. This is, of course, utter nonsense, because if it were true then people who were good on this inside would would never have to comb their hair or take a bath, and the whole world would smell even worse than it already does.
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Chestnuts in stuffing tastes like someone chewed up a tree branch and then French-kissed it into your mouth.
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There is no way of knowing for sure whether or not you can trust someone, for the simple reason that circumstances change all of the time.
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It is not very polite to interrupt a person, of course, but sometimes if the person is very unpleasant you can hardly stop yourself.
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It has been said that the hardest job in the world is raising a child, but the people who says this have probably never worked at a comb factory or captured pirates on the high seas.
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If you have ever had a miserable experience, then you have probably had it said to you that you would feel better in the morning. This, of course, is utter nonsense, because a miserable experience remains a miserable experience even on the loveliest of morning.
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Dead women tell no tales. Sad men write them down.
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