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Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.

Daniel Handler

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Daniel Handler
Age: 54
Born: 1970
Born: February 28
Accordionist
Author
Musician
Novelist
Screenwriter
Songwriter
Writer
San Francisco County
California
Lemony Snicket
Hilarious
Case
Card
Cases
Trick
Everyone
Trapped
Tell
Three
Poems
Recite
Two
Tricks
Elevator
Able
Cards
Elevators
Ever
Jokes

More quotes by Daniel Handler

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A passport, as I'm sure you know, is a document that one shows to government officials whenever one reaches a border between two countries, so that the official can learn who you are, where you were born, and how you look when photographed unflatteringly.
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Unless you have been very, very lucky, you have undoubtedly experienced events in your life that have made you cry. So unless you have been very, very lucky, you know that a good, long session of weeping can often make you feel better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit.
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The Basic Eight and Watch Your Mouth both have first-person voices, and I ended up investigating those voices and investing so much in them that I think many people took them more seriously than they ought to have.
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Well-read people are less likely to be evil.
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Figuratively, they escaped from Cout Olaf and their miserable existence. They did not literally escape, because they were still in his house and vulnerable to Olaf's evil in loco parentis ways.
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One of the world's most tiresome questions is what object one would bring to a desert island,because people always answer a deck of cards or Anna Karenina when the obvious answer is a well equipped boat and a crew to sail me off the island and back home where I can play all the card games and read all the Russian novels I want.
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Never, under any circumstances, let the Virginian wolfsnake near a typewriter.
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It is useless for me to describe to you how terrible Violet, Klaus, and even Sunny felt in the time that followed. If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels, and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it.
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It is always cruel to laugh at people, of course, although sometimes if they are wearing an ugly hat it is hard to control yourself.
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There are two good reasons to put your napkin in your lap. One is that food might spill in your lap, and it is better to stain the napkin than your clothing. The other is that it can serve as a perfect hiding place. Practically nobody is nosey enough to take the napkin off a lap to see what is hidden there.
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Like People, animals will become frightened and likely do whatever you say if you whip them enough.
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Appearance matters a great deal because you can often tell a lot about people by looking at how they present themselves.
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Like a church bell, a coffin, and a vat of melted chocolate, a supply closet is rarely a comfortable place to hide.
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The way sadness works is one of the strangest riddles of the world.
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It is very easy to say that the important thing is to try your best, but if you are in real trouble the most important thing is not trying your best, but getting to safety.
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You’re just jealous of me because I’m a tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian!
Daniel Handler
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People don't always get what they deserve in this world.
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E! Klaus cried. E as in Exit! The Baudelaires ran down E as in Exit, but when they reached the last cabinet, the row was becoming F as in Falling File Cabinets, G as in Go the Other Way! and H as in How in the World Are We Going to Escape?
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Either you have the feeling or you don't. Hawk Davies
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I think if I were walking someplace and I saw a corpse my brain would tell me it was a million things before I believed it was a corpse.
Daniel Handler