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You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Soul
Need
Needs
Thon
Weep
Open

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When you swear to God, its true ... right now God is watching and saying, this is true.
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Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?
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If haters or whatever want to find you - I mean, some of them are so tenacious. You want to hire them to work for you. Theyre very, very savvy in terms of how they find you and get to you.
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I've always read books and loved human behavior since I was ten or twelve years old. Maybe even that's why I wanted to do comedy.
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Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
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I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.
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If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.
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I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.
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Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.
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When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they're like, 'What do I do ... I don't really ... ha-huh ...' Yeah, it's the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time!
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I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.
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If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.
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I've lived (in LA) for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't anymore.
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You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.
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Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.
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I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges.
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If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it's still a negative. You're just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is.
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Even when I go to a salad bar, I need to feel like I'm one of the first people there.
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You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.
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