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Are there glass shards in my anus?!

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Glass
Glasses
Anus
Shards

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Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.
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I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.
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I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.
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Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed!
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Quote/Unquote and you can quote me on the quote/unquote.
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When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain...
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Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT.
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I would love to have acidy spit.
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Text a guy you like right now, I'm thinking about you. If he says, mmm are you in bed? Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.
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I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.
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When you swear to God, its true ... right now God is watching and saying, this is true.
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I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.
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When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change.
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It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.
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I live my life like there's no yesterday.
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You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.
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You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.
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When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?'
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I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.
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When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they're like, 'What do I do ... I don't really ... ha-huh ...' Yeah, it's the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time!
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