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Are there glass shards in my anus?!

Dane Cook

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Dane Cook
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: March 18
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Boston
Massachusetts
Dane Jeffrey Cook
Anus
Shards
Glass
Glasses

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I live my life like there's no yesterday.
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It really drives me banana sangwich.
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I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.
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I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.
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There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.
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The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are just a piece of their puzzle.
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Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.
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I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.
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Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
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I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance.
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My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now.
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I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.
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I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.
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Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!
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We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.
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I would love to have acidy spit.
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When you swear to God, its true ... right now God is watching and saying, this is true.
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A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!
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You have to realize, when you're a comedian, that you have to have a thick skin. And trust me, being onstage in front of people is already difficult enough. Somebody's personal attack in an email is not as hard as getting onstage.
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